Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
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Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.