Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
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“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
There are usually two types of merchants.