To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
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Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
I falcon love using swear birds
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
This makes total sense…
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
FINE, I WON’T.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive