“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
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Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Bike is short for Bichael.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”