Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
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Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.