thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
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My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting