What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
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It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Note to self: always read the final line
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.