What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
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Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
[at hair salon]
Her (holding up mirror): Look good?
Me: Looks great!!![in car two minutes later]
Me (looking in mirror): wtf did she do to my hair
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.