Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
You Might Also Like
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]