did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
You Might Also Like
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.