Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
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*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.