no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
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therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
In 8th grade my teacher told me if I didn’t stop talking I wouldn’t remember anything from her class. Well, 20+ years later, and I’m here to tell her she was totally wrong. I remember Craig. The boy who sat next to me and ate his scabs.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen