I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
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[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*