Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
You Might Also Like
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
I am yelling
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
That’s amazing.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Funny because it’s true. 🤣