me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
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I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Had to try this trend 😊
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
So the ex texted me
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card