I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
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Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Butt weight. There’s more!
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
kitchen magnet
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
nyc:
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.