Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
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I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
“Who let the dogs out” they ask. “No idea” I say. They let me go. As I walk away from the police station my limp slowly disappears.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on