Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
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Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Hit me in the face with a bird
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?