one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
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[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.