I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
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I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Sometimes I will do a very simple self-care thing like putting lotion on my hands before bed and be like “that was so easy, I will do this every day” and then forget that I even have hands for the next 6 years.
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie