“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
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Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
⛄️
me: do you know what sarcasm is?
daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father
me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Smile Twitter, Smile.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.