A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
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Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
*Person in front of me using 73 coupons*
Customers behind me: huffing and puffing
Me: [eyes glued to screen] That one was for $2! Yahhhhss
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!