When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
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Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it