It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
You Might Also Like
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
cry laughing at this shit
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
*sees any 3 stars in a row*
(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”