[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
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My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
This meeting could have been a cake
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.