150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
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Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.