You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
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Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
3 unravelled an entire toilet roll when I wasn’t looking so I wrapped him in it, stood him in the corner of the bathroom and told him to spin round slowly when someone needs to use it
How high do the levels go?
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.