I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
You Might Also Like
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
AM I BEING GASLIT????
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
getting corrected
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin