No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
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I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
Damm August got somewhere to be don’t it
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.