What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
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I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.