*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
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COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Unexpected Judgment
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today