Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
You Might Also Like
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
KID: *falls out of tree* I’m fine
ADULT: *sleeps on neck a little strangely* I have to turn my whole body to look at you for the next week
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa
Adele: I set fire to Lorraine
Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone
Lorraine: Stop it
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired