[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
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My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
#MeanwhileinCanada
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
some cats are just doing for fun!
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
this will hang in the louvre one day
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed