I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
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May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Big Sex has us all fooled
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
That’s no pocket rocket.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.