*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
You Might Also Like
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
those birds must be on payroll
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
I’ve been drinking.