Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
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I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Tremendous stuff
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…