If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
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I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
[eulogy]
line?
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect