Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
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[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.