Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
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To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
I’d use my best pan on you.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Not messing around
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.