me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
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Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
me: that’s my wife susan
him: please pass the salt, ma’am
me: idk she’s pretty lazy
her: [rotates entire table]
me: but strong
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
*pronounces patio like ratio
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money