Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
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Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no