“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
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It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
I’ve gained 20lbs since the election. If Trump stays in office much longer I’ll have to chain myself to a girl in a gold bikini.
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
Tammy is short for Tamuel
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at