Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
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The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
fly smarter, not harder
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
This kid is a star!
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you