I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
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On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes