(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
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Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Ok, but like, how married are you?