I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
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Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight