if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
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*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”