Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
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”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Alexa, make me look good naked.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS