An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
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I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
What even happened today?
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Harsh but fair
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy