You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
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The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
i smell a pulitzer
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.